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S/Sgt. JoN

HeartBreak

Was at Sarah and Leigh's wedding dinner yday. Was lookin forward to it as usual coz i knew Esther was gonna be there. Things were ok in the begining until we came to thr near end of the dinner - the dance floor opens.

I don't really mind dancing nor am i any ashamed to. Just that i may not be as good coz i wasnt exposed much 2 it...dont practice it in clubbing places either. Things were still fine until i saw yee meng dancing with esther...ok, it's not so bad so, things went on...then after awhile, they were hugging each other in a dance, esther had her arms around yee meng's waist n @ times around his waist n vice versa...

Ofcourse, my heart broke at the sight of that. Some1 whom i respected and once considered an example was with the person i *love. It's very disturbing and it hurts to look at sucha a sight. They were so close...

Yah, esther told me "No" when i asked her the other day if she wants to be with me. With reasons such as " i prefer to be single for now, not confined to only 1 person...dad will probably nt like it n etc etc...". She told me to move on but i didnt. I had to wait...better still, i was thinking of waiting for 2 more years after waitng for 1 already. So, i had it...i don't know of what she said the other day was just to cover dat she's with/ wats to be with yee meng rather than me...i don't know...haih...

So what are You tellin me God? Move on? I wanted to ask why did u allow me to meet n fall for her in the 1st place...but i know i should be asking "now what?" rather than "why?". Tell me Lord, Now What??? Pls tell me...i desperately need this answer...forgive me for compromising my priority which should have been You, rather than her...

*Frankly, i don't even know if i'm "in love" with her, or do i just "like" her.......i find that though it's heartbreaking, it's easier to let go this time...though it affects me, but now i can put more thoughts in my studies and other things which i'm involved in.

Maybe i should look at it this way...now that i'm unoccupied, i can look @ other girls? I mean, i know i've been doing that but maybe to work and know then better without a barrier this round?

I met up with Shermaine 2day @ church...we hugged n she kissed me...i mean, even a really close friend can do that to me...i dont need a gf to hav that happening...maybe it's the same for esther n yee meng's case? I don't know and i dont wanna get hurt anymore...i'll just stay put of it for now...mayb i'll stay like this till next year (Jan 2007) and see how things go...which reminds me, i'm only 20! Aiseh...relax la...still gt time. Like what i told esther myself, "if God intended us to be together, no matter what happens, we'll still be together in the end". Otherwise, no matter hard i try, it just won't work...I'm sure whoever it its in the future, i'll love the woman God had planned for me to be with!

Btw, Shermaine told me dat it's more fun to be single for now...probably coz u get to go out with whoever you want and not worrying bout anything even if you go out with a diffrent person the next round...hahaha. Oh...she also told me that i'm a nice guy =) shouldn't be a prob for me to find someone...but ofcourse, i gadda find the right person =P

Hey! Thanks Lord! You just answered my prayer! Haha..thanks alot...love ya..well, just have one last prayer to make:

Lord, help me to open my eyes to see and realize the friends around me who cared for me and loved me...help me not to look at plunging into any relationship with someone else until and unless You tell me, "JoN, she's the one". Help me to be patient Lord, and not to be envious...
Thank you Lord for being there for me. You didn't forsake me when i needed you the most. My Best Friend. Also wanna thank you for bringing me the right songs at the time i needed them and the message thats in them...i cant thank you enough. Lord, forgive me for not putting You first in my life...Help me to put You First in my life again. Lord, come back into my life, and intervene...Help me to listen to You and study Your word regularly...in the name of my Best Pal, Jesus Christ i pray, Amen.

Food for Thought

I played drums for service 2 day...it was great. Probably the best experience since i started playing 4 my sis. Previously, i'd rate it as 6 (from 10 as max) or below. Today was 8/10. I don't know if it was coz the songs were more familiar, or coz i liked the songs or coz the jeff was the bassist.

Then, i went for lunch with sis n parents @ imbi and it turned 2b frustrating and troublesome one. Coz mom went nuts again over sis meeting n takin 2 aleks. She didnt like that. So, she left the table n went 2 sg. wang by herself without any cash (dumb rite?). Nway, we continued wit lunch coz we gt sick of her atics...after which, we managed 2 get her back in da car n got back home.
Nway, that wasn't the point here.

After which, i went 2 sri petaling community center for a hi-tea. It was meant for the pesta committee members as a thanksgiving and appreciation thingy. I was looking foward to it coz i knew Esther was gonna be ther. I've been meeting quite a number of pleasent looking girls and the funny thing was, no matter how pretty, hot or cute they might be, i still find Esther the most attractive. I've been thinking bout it after the event when i was waiting in the car 4 my parents 2 dress up 4 dinner.

Was it coz other girls weren't as cute, or was it coz i don't know their personality, or izzit da fact dat i jz can't forget bout her though she asked me to move on? I mean, she's gt a twin sister...she's slimmer, has almost the same features, single, friendly...what else? i dunno...coz don't really talk to her...everytime i c Lydia, was coz Esther was around. But if you ask me what's so attractive bout Esther, frankly i cant tell you much...let me give it a try:

• she's cute (the way she talks, the way she is...)
  
• she's pretty in my eyes
• i see her as an equally capable woman as i am (may be better)
  
• we have lots of things in common in terms of opinion and way of thinking
• she's got good figures though she gained weight
• some how, she still looks cute after changing her hairstyle (was a lil diff 2 accept @ first) n gaining weight.
• she's sweet

i don't know man...and this is the danger of it. Loving/liking someone without knowing why. I don't even know if i like her or do i love her...i go to extends of sacrificing my own needs, time and even compromise my own priorities 4 her...am i in love? When ever i deal with things that has 2 do with her, she becomes my 1st priority...but ofcourse, if i had to choose between 1st KL BB n her; or God with her; i'll say 'No'. But then again, like i said, i may compromise these things...this is not good at all man...coz i know for a fact that my very 1st priority should be God. Nothing else..but here i am...compromising...deng...

Then again, i know that she dosen't have time to think of all this...probably, it never crossed her mind...haih...

Dear Lord, is this what you planned? Please show me how to overcome this...only you know best.