HeartBreak

Was at Sarah and Leigh's wedding dinner yday. Was lookin forward to it as usual coz i knew Esther was gonna be there. Things were ok in the begining until we came to thr near end of the dinner - the dance floor opens.

I don't really mind dancing nor am i any ashamed to. Just that i may not be as good coz i wasnt exposed much 2 it...dont practice it in clubbing places either. Things were still fine until i saw yee meng dancing with esther...ok, it's not so bad so, things went on...then after awhile, they were hugging each other in a dance, esther had her arms around yee meng's waist n @ times around his waist n vice versa...

Ofcourse, my heart broke at the sight of that. Some1 whom i respected and once considered an example was with the person i *love. It's very disturbing and it hurts to look at sucha a sight. They were so close...

Yah, esther told me "No" when i asked her the other day if she wants to be with me. With reasons such as " i prefer to be single for now, not confined to only 1 person...dad will probably nt like it n etc etc...". She told me to move on but i didnt. I had to wait...better still, i was thinking of waiting for 2 more years after waitng for 1 already. So, i had it...i don't know of what she said the other day was just to cover dat she's with/ wats to be with yee meng rather than me...i don't know...haih...

So what are You tellin me God? Move on? I wanted to ask why did u allow me to meet n fall for her in the 1st place...but i know i should be asking "now what?" rather than "why?". Tell me Lord, Now What??? Pls tell me...i desperately need this answer...forgive me for compromising my priority which should have been You, rather than her...

*Frankly, i don't even know if i'm "in love" with her, or do i just "like" her.......i find that though it's heartbreaking, it's easier to let go this time...though it affects me, but now i can put more thoughts in my studies and other things which i'm involved in.

Maybe i should look at it this way...now that i'm unoccupied, i can look @ other girls? I mean, i know i've been doing that but maybe to work and know then better without a barrier this round?

I met up with Shermaine 2day @ church...we hugged n she kissed me...i mean, even a really close friend can do that to me...i dont need a gf to hav that happening...maybe it's the same for esther n yee meng's case? I don't know and i dont wanna get hurt anymore...i'll just stay put of it for now...mayb i'll stay like this till next year (Jan 2007) and see how things go...which reminds me, i'm only 20! Aiseh...relax la...still gt time. Like what i told esther myself, "if God intended us to be together, no matter what happens, we'll still be together in the end". Otherwise, no matter hard i try, it just won't work...I'm sure whoever it its in the future, i'll love the woman God had planned for me to be with!

Btw, Shermaine told me dat it's more fun to be single for now...probably coz u get to go out with whoever you want and not worrying bout anything even if you go out with a diffrent person the next round...hahaha. Oh...she also told me that i'm a nice guy =) shouldn't be a prob for me to find someone...but ofcourse, i gadda find the right person =P

Hey! Thanks Lord! You just answered my prayer! Haha..thanks alot...love ya..well, just have one last prayer to make:

Lord, help me to open my eyes to see and realize the friends around me who cared for me and loved me...help me not to look at plunging into any relationship with someone else until and unless You tell me, "JoN, she's the one". Help me to be patient Lord, and not to be envious...
Thank you Lord for being there for me. You didn't forsake me when i needed you the most. My Best Friend. Also wanna thank you for bringing me the right songs at the time i needed them and the message thats in them...i cant thank you enough. Lord, forgive me for not putting You first in my life...Help me to put You First in my life again. Lord, come back into my life, and intervene...Help me to listen to You and study Your word regularly...in the name of my Best Pal, Jesus Christ i pray, Amen.